Saturday, August 26, 2006

Time to let go ...

Tears gathered in his eyes but he was too stubborn to let it flow. He willing them not to fall because he don't want her to see how vulnerable his feelings was. He choked down the tears a few times. He was good at that. As a man he had a lot of practice before. He was raised not to show his tears. He was told that little boy should not cry. But this time, he was not a little boy anymore. He was a grown man and it became harder for him to hold his sadness.

He is now an old man who had passed his 60th birthday years ago. He was not as strong as before, both physically and emotionally. His body protested against the cold of the aircondition in the big hall. His heart although beat steadily, almost collapse with the heavy burden he locked inside.Yes, it was harder and he struggled not to show it. Although his heart is about to break into million pieces, he kept a calm face. The ache in his heart is getting painful with every beat ...

She looked at him with love in her eyes. The eyes that were full of wisdom, pride, laughter and this time, sadness. It broke her heart but she cannot let him see how hurt it was to see the hapiness in his face was clearly replaced with sadness. She don't want to remember him this way. She wanted to remember him with huge smile on his face. With pride and joy.

He was her pillar, her guide when she fall into the murky water of confusions. He was her friend when she needed one. A person who listened to her problems and offered the solutions. The solutions too simple but were too complicated for her to see. He was her confidant. But, he was also the person who put her back on line when she strayed.

How could she leave him? How could he let her go?

He nodded at her. It's time, he said. The lady beside him nodded too. It's time, she said.

With heavy heart, she stood. She can't believe this is happening. She can't bear to look at him, so she faced the woman instead. She could see her eyes were red and tears had fallen down the woman's cheeks. The woman dabbed her tears with the end of her scarf but more streaming down, like a plug was suddenly taken off. The woman immediately pulled her into her arms and hugged her tight. She whispered into the woman's ears, please forgive me for all the wrongs I did, for the heartache I caused. The woman whispered back, I forgive you, my darling, please take care.

Her eyes felt grainy and she knew she had to keep her feelings in check immediately. She can't let her tears fall. She had to stay strong. She can't break down and cry. Immediately she broke away from her hug and with heavy heart, approached him.
She took his hand and kissed it. She embraced him tightly. This was the first after a long long time, they hugged. He was not a physical person and hardly ever showed his feelings freely. He was not used to showing off his affections, but she understood those silent affections. He doesn't need to be expressive. Although love words and hugs were scarce among them, she knew his love for her was abundant and unconditional.
She turned immediately and dabbed the tears that escaped and fall with her fingers. It's time to go.
She walked down the escalator and never looked back because she knew if she turns, she could never take the next step. She would stop and ran back to him. No... its time to go and she has to go on.

To love is to let go. Because of this, he let her go. How can he not? She is his daughter. She understood it was the hardest decision she had ever made in her life but her love for him would not dwindle although they would be thousands miles apart because he is her father ...

The sun was so brave this afternoon and shone brightly but clumps of pregnant clouds persistently tried to hide the beautifully bright globe. It was 12.20pm 27 August 2006. We were 20 minutes early when we landed at the Glasgow International Airport tarmac. It was a small airport, maybe the size of Miri or Penang or Kota Baharu airport.
Since I was seated at the back area of Boeing 747, we were ushered to the back door and had to use the stairs instead of the airbridge that was attached to the plane's main exit. The gush of wind that hit me when I walked across the tarmac was cool and refreshing compared to the hot weather when we stopped in Dubai International Airport during transit. It was around 6am when we reached Dubai but the temperature maybe had hit 30C.
The dramatic changes of scenery from lush greenery to arid and dry landscape and back to greener fields and sprawling open space in just a day was overwhelming for me. I'm in Glasgow now. New place, new people, new environment and ... alone.
I'm going to continue my life in this foreign land with Allah and His words in Quran as my guide. Thanks to Him, I found friends who would help me in my quest to fulfill my dream. Alhamdulillah.
I took a deep breath and continue walking across the tarmac. It was a new journey, one that promise a lot of challenges that require hardwork, heartache and eventually triumph. A journey with a single purpose and now my purpose is to pass the immigration without any glitch ...