Wednesday, July 20, 2005

I did it!

It really took me sometime to finally do it. My fingers were cold, my body shivered. My heart raced like I've just completed a mini-marathon. I read and reread. Ops there were a lot of grammar mistakes. I re-write and made another four printouts. I put it in envelopes and wrote all the names requird on each of them. I started on the fifth floor, dropped one on the in-tray and another handed over to the secretary. Went down to the fourth floor and gave the rest to "him". Stood there and answered a few questions with phony smile plastered on my face. Then the last but not the least, to the man sitting there, who would every morning hand over my share of assignments.

Yes! I finally did it! I finally handed over my resignation letter yesterday.

It came as a surprise to some, but most of my colleagues knew I am leaving. But, nobody really believed that I would actually do it. Done. I myself still could not believe that I even have the courage to finally hand over my resignation letter. What am I going to do next? How would I survive?

You see, "Without a plan, goals are merely hopes and dreams.." yep! that is me. But mine is more on no back-up plan. I quit without any back-up plan. Gosh! Sometimes nope most of the time I feel like Im jumping into the pool heads on. The bad news is - I don't even know how to swim!

My next desk neighbour called me determine. She said when I decide to be lazy, I can be REALLY lazy, but when I had decided to do something, I would set my mind and just do it. Is that me? Do I have that trait? Because what I do know is, I can be very hard headed. Has it got to do with the way I was brought up?

When I was little, I would pester my dad if I want something, let say a toy, a study table, a bicycle... and my dad, a man with vision, who would never disappoint his little girl, would buy - a RM2 toy, a sturdy ugly-looking study table that can last for 20 years and a bicycle that can carry Yusni Jaafar at the back-carrier seat. I guess in a way, these "training" by my dad had toughen me up, physically (of course after years of cycling that big black bicycle) and emotionally (err..). Of course to a person who would like to day dream how her new bicycle would look like, I was very disappointed to see a big black mass of steel called bicycle in front of the house. So, I grew up thinking that if I want it done my way, I have to do it on my own.

Was I a troubled kid? I have to ask my mom about it. A troubled teenager? Well my Sijil Berhenti Sekolah said Im a so so student. A troubled adult? Ah... I have a feeling I am since the songs that I like have "troubled lyrics". You know what they say - Hanya Manikam mengenal Permata - or something like that. Right after I finished school, I want to lead my own life. I want to be independent, I want to earn my money so that I don't have to depend on my parents for pocket money. I hated the idea that I have to stand the interrogation just for mere RM10. So, when I got my first pay as a sales promoter for a certain sports product, I was brain-less. I have RM400 in my hand and my mind went blank, did not know how to spend that money. My hands were itchy to buy something - anything. Yet, I don't know what. I was so spoiled with the folds of the RM50s in my hand. Well, it just took me a few hours, after that it was "belanja kawan-kawan", treat my family with another makan and bought a pair of new socks. By the next month, I am an expert of spending money already.

If I can visualise my brain and transmit it to a satellite tv, it would look like two fish going bonkers in a tiny glass tank...

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