hijab and topless

Is it difficult to wear hijab?

I never really thought of the huge significant for a woman to wear hijab. I was raised to accept that Muslim women should wear hijab after akil baligh (reaching puberty). It is just one of the things that we have to do. Cover our heads. Or so I thought.

For several years I have been wearing hijab, tudung or scarf like Im wearing my normal clothes. It was part of my school uniforms since Standard Three - the year my mother went to perform her Hajj. It has been on my head ever since, until after I left Form Six.

Then, I realised that although the scarf that covered my head is so light that if you did not pinned it properly it would fly with the wind, the responsibility that it potray is huge. There is always the hidden rule that I have to follow. I have to act decently while my “topless” friends can go berserk. Although we are wearing the same uniform i.e t-shirts and jeans, but because of my covered head, I always felt that I was left out in their night rendezvous. At that time, I felt that I was not “modern” enuff, not hip enuff because of the tudung. I hated it when people looked at me and thought that I am a baik baik girl, while inside I longed to be jahat. To go dancing at discos, to hell with what people thought.. I wanna live!!

So, I retaliated, I threw my scarf right after I landed this job. A job which required me to almost try everything. I did what I wanted to do. I went partying, dancing and disco hopping almost every week. But then I realised that I don’t really found the joy from what I was doing. Instead I always feel tired after that rigorous exercises. So it only lasted for a year. I guess, because of the self-righteneous that have been drilled into me by my mom, I found myself reaching for that piece of cloth on my 22nd birthday.

Now, wearing a hijab is not an issue to me anymore. Until that fateful day of Sept 11, 2001. Cis! I had to take off my hijab when travelling to certain countries. The reason.. I don’t want to be the centre of attention. Once was enuff (when we were stopped at Paris Charles de Gaulle airport). I just hope that Allah gave me strenght to face every obstacle in my life, in my heart. Pray that I stay hijab.